


Misery, Treachery, and All Our Fears (The Burdens Dragging You Down)

by bzarcher



Series: The Things We Always Carried [2]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Assuming a few things about how the season will end, Cat Grant Is Smarter Than You Think, F/F, Flower Language, Internal Monologue, Jess The Secretary Is So Done, Mostly S2 Compliant, SuperCorp, Survior's Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-18
Updated: 2017-05-18
Packaged: 2018-11-02 07:33:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10939890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bzarcher/pseuds/bzarcher
Summary: Kara is no stranger to loss, to misery, and to failure. But that doesn't mean she's good at handling any of them. Especially when the people she cares about are involved.





	Misery, Treachery, and All Our Fears (The Burdens Dragging You Down)

Sometimes misery seemed like the only constant in the entire universe.

Kara had known misery since the day her parents had placed her in the pod, and if she wasn’t careful she could find herself so tightly wrapped up in the sensation - in her isolation, in her grief - that she could barely stand.

She found ways to push through - to find hope - to shine in the light of her new home’s sun, but all too often she had reminders that tried to weigh her down until her feet could barely leave the ground.

Her mother’s duplicity.

Her father’s development of Medusa.

Astra, and all that she represented.

Mon-El, and his lies and his arrogance, and the way everyone kept telling her he needed another chance, as if he hadn’t _wasted_ every chance he’d been given!

Krypton.

She wondered if Clark felt the same, sometimes, but she didn’t think so. Kal-El had been born of Krypton, of course, but he’d never truly _lived_ there. His life had begun in Smallville with the Kents, and as far as she could tell he’d never grappled with some of the same things she had.

Kara still had moments where she missed the taste of a food she could never have again, or was struck by a wish to see a city that no longer existed. Desperately wanting to speak her native language and just enjoy the sounds of the _Kryptahniuo_ flowing in a conversation. Days where she was _so frustrated_ in her attempts to describe or explain things that human languages could not convey.

That wasn’t to say things were all bad, though. She had Eliza, she had Alex, she had Clark, even if there was still that awkward distance between them at times.

She had James, J’onn, Winn, and all her friends at the DEO, she’d had the support (frustrating though it was) of Cat Grant...and of late she’d had Lena.

Lena, who made her feel as if the sun was rising inside of her every time they met.

Lena, who was so _brave_ and smart and beautiful, and who never seemed to realize how much more she was than ‘just another Luthor.’

Lena, who she’d been lying to the entire time they’d known each other.

Lena, who she was fairly sure she was falling for.

Lena, who had called her - called _Kara_ \- her hero, not Supergirl.

Lena, who had carried so many burdens of her own, for such a long time.

Lena, who deserved to know the truth.

She wanted to tell her. She’d been close twice and never quite summoned the courage to make that last leap.

Would Lena forgive her for deceiving her? For lying? After so many others had abused her trust and used her for their own gains?

She wanted to believe that Lena would. That she would understand that when she’d hidden her identity it was to protect Lena and keep her safe, because she couldn’t live with herself if she’d been hurt because someone decided to attack her.

And yet…

She was afraid.

She couldn’t tell her.

The weight on her shoulders got just a bit heavier, and the blanket of misery just a bit tighter around her.

But she was the Girl of Steel. So she’d find a way to keep her head up, and keep shining in the sun.

* * *

_Kara Zor-El, you are an idiot!_

She’d missed it. Lena had been practically glowing about her new investor and the mentoring she was receiving. She’d been so happy and so thrilled with the promise of her new tech that Kara had just focused on her friend’s excitement and missed every single clue that her ‘new partner’ was a threat!

Rhea had happily made her way into L-Corp, slipped her hooks into Lena, and when they’d been ready to unveil the portal tech she’d asked Lena to develop, she’d betrayed her.

Just like everyone else in Lena Luthor’s life.

She’d watched Lena shatter under the blow of yet another lie, yet another betrayal, and Kara hadn’t even been able to save her. She’d had to watch as Rhea and her soldiers had taken her away.

Maybe it was for the best Lena didn’t know.

After all, if Lena knew she was Supergirl, then she’d know how often - how much - Kara had failed to protect her.

That it had taken _Lillian Luthor_ , of all people, to help get her away from the Daxamite ship.

After having to fight Kal, after Cat’s return, after _everything_...she’d felt so much shame she couldn’t even look Lena in the eye.

Lena had called her three times asking if she wanted to get lunch. Kara had let each go to voicemail.

She’d texted almost every day for two weeks. She hadn’t replied until Lena had sent a message that made her shattered heart ache:

_I don’t know what is going on, but if you are mad at me - if I hurt you, I am sorry, and I apologize._

She’d had to run to the bathroom at CatCo after getting the message, tears filling her eyes. Lena blamed _herself?_ After all that had happened? When she was the one who had wronged her?

She’d needed a minute to dry her eyes and calm her fingers before she could finally reply.

_Lena, you have done NOTHING wrong. None of what happened was your fault. I swear. I’m...going through some things right now. I wouldn’t be a very good friend to be around. But it’s me, not you. Please, please don’t blame yourself for my problems. I just...have to find my way through this._

The flowers started showing up at her office a few days after that.

Bunches of azaleas, chrysanthemums, and white violets. So many that Snapper had asked if she was planning to run a greenhouse at her desk.

Two days later, a beautiful bouquet of yellow roses. She was running out of places to put the flowers at her apartment, and Alex and Maggie had both come over to check on her and given the small jungle on her counter top very meaningful looks, but didn’t ask who they had been from.

She didn’t really have to tell them. The way she’d lost her words and wrung her hands had been an answer in and of itself.

She hadn’t talked to Lena in nearly a month and a half when the last flower arrived.

A single red rose in full bloom, delivered in a beautiful crystal vase.

She’d been staring at it for almost an hour when Cat had come into her office and shut the door.

“I think you have a pretty serious problem, Kara.”

Kara blinked up at her boss. (Well. Her boss’s, boss’s, boss’s boss these days, she supposed.) She wasn’t sure what shocked her more. Cat Grant coming into her office, Cat Grant wanting to talk to her so frankly, or the fact that she’d used her correct name. “Um. Ms. Grant? I...what do you mean I have a problem?”

Cat gave her a long look, then pointed to the rose. “Do you know much about the language of flowers?”

Kara bit her lip, and nodded.

“Seems to me someone’s been trying to send you a message over the last few weeks - and you’re not answering them.”

Kara let her shoulders sag. “I know. I just…” She tried looking Cat in the eye, but her gaze fell to the desk after a moment. “I let her down. I failed her, and when she needed me most...I wasn’t there. How do I face her again, after that?”

Cat shook her head sharply. “I think I know when someone’s feeling guilty about things they didn’t have control over...but there’s more than that, isn’t there?” Kara looked up in surprise, and Cat’s sharp smile softened a bit. “It’s hard to keep a secret from someone you care about, Kara.”

Kara slowly reached up and took off her glasses. “So…”

“It wasn’t so hard to figure out, even with that little trick you pulled. And Lena Luthor is just as smart as I am. Probably smarter, honestly.”

Kara closed her eyes and sighed. “She’s brilliant. She always has been.”

“That also means she’s smart enough to know that you have always done your best to protect the people around you, Kara, and to fight for what you believe is right.”

“Even if it meant lying to her?”

“Sometimes,” Cat offered, “a journalist writes a piece but leaves out information that would harm a source, or compromise someone’s private life unnecessarily. Leaving aside the fact that her brother would probably want to kill both of you just for being friends, let alone anything else, you kept your secret because you didn’t want people hurting her because of you, am I right?”

Kara nodded, not trusting herself to speak.

“People get hurt every day, Kara. Even Supergirl can’t stop that - and sometimes we hurt people we care about, too. All you can do is be there for them - and do your best to make up for the hurt you caused.” Cat struck the edge of the vase with her fingernail. “Right now, it looks to me like she needs you. So staying away isn’t helping _either_ of you, is it?”

Kara slowly shook her head.

Cat nodded, then opened the door again. “Well, Kiera, I think you have a pretty good idea of what you need to do - I’m going to tell Snapper you have the afternoon off. Go...handle things. Take care of yourself and come back in on Monday with a fresh start.”

Kara blinked in confusion as she slipped her glasses back on. “But it’s Thursday?”

Cat rolled her eyes as she walked out of the office. “I _know_ what I said, Kiera. You just _get going!_ ”

Kara picked up the vase, took a deep breath of the rose’s scent, and then grabbed her purse as she headed out the door.

* * *

She actually took the bus to L-Corp’s offices, this time. Kara had hoped the ride would give her time to think and figure out what to say, but she’d just wound herself so tightly that she’d had to sit on her hands to keep herself from damaging anything on the bus.

The security guard at the lobby had checked her ID and waved her on, and she’d watched the numbers climb as she took the elevator up, still unable to find her words.

She could feel Jess’ eyes on her as she stepped towards the desk.

“Good afternoon, Ms. Danvers.”

“Hi…” Kara adjusted her glasses and did her best to swallow the lump in her throat. “Is Le-...is Ms. Luthor in?”

Jess gave her a look that seemed to combine frustration and relief, and Kara had a feeling who all those flower orders had been going through. “She is, yes. You’re still on her admit list if you’d like to go in.”

Kara nodded, turned towards the door, and then turned back. “...how is she?”

Jess looked back up from her desk, her eyes flicking to the door and then back. “Lonely.”

Kara winced, looking down at the floor. _I guess I deserved that._

Taking a deep breath, she raised her head and made her way into the office.

Lena looked...awful. She still had the immaculate makeup and a wardrobe that cost more than most people’s cars, but Kara could see the unhealthy tinge to her normally glowing skin, and the artfully concealed bags under her eyes.

She started to shrink a little under the realization - that moment of understanding that it was _her fault_ Lena had probably been working like mad and not taking care of herself - but then Lena looked up from her computer, realizing she’d come in.

Those incredible green eyes went from being dull and tired to shining with surprise and happiness. Tears filling them as she stood from her desk and crossed the floor, and Kara met her halfway, wrapping her arms around her in a hug.

Suddenly, she knew exactly what she needed to say.

“I’m sorry,” she breathed into Lena’s hair. “I’m so, so, sorry, Lena. I was scared and ashamed and I didn’t know how to face you after everything that happened, and all I did was hurt you _again_ …”

“Shh.” Lena’s voice was muffled against her chest, but still gentle. “You’re here, now. You’re here.”

Kara nodded. “I...I need to tell you some things. We should sit down.”

Lena stepped back and smiled. “I’ll have Jess order some lunch.”

A few minutes after Lena had ducked into the outer office to place an order, they were sitting on the couch that had been the place where so many of their conversations had taken place, Lena settling back with a glass of mineral water and obviously waiting for Kara to make the first move.

Kara found herself wringing her hands again. “Oh, boy...where...jeez. Where do I even start?”

Lena chuckled. “Is the beginning an option?”

Kara sat back and looked at her for a moment, then steeled herself. “Actually...yes. It is.” She reached up, and removed her glasses, placing them on the low table, then let her hair down so it would spill across her shoulders.

“I think you figured this out a long time ago,” Kara admitted, “and I’m sorry I never told you. I came close... _so_ many times...and I got scared.”

Lena leaned forward, placing the glass the table. “Can you tell me about it?”

“Part of it,” Kara said slowly, “was my fears that someone might hurt you, because of me. But...that wasn’t the biggest thing. I was afraid that you’d look at me and see...that you’d feel...I lied to you, Lena. I kept things from you, I _hid_ myself...and so many other people in your life have abused your trust. I was afraid you’d decide I wasn’t any better than your mother, or Roulette, or…”

“Rhea.”

Kara nodded. “You have worked _so hard_ to be your own person, Lena, and it amazes me. You have so much strength...and I was afraid you’d look at me, and tell me to leave. To get out of your life and not come back, and I was terrified of losing your friendship. Of losing you…”

Lena seemed about to reply, but Kara held up her hand.

“The worst irony is that I went ahead and almost lost you anyway. I couldn’t protect you from Rhea, and I was so ashamed of that - of knowing how I’d failed you so badly - that I let myself push you away. I got stuck in my own head - in my fear…” She swallowed and looked back to Lena. “You have every right to be upset with me, for so many things…”

Lena looked so stricken that it took Kara’s breath away. She stood and came around the table, then almost collapsed onto her, wrapping her arms around her in a tight hug. The feel of the embrace and the sudden surprising weight of Lena’s body atop of hers took her breath away, and in her momentary shock she almost missed the words Lena murmured fiercely to her.

“You have _never_ failed me, Kara, and I will never…” Lena’s tears had started to flow again. “You are my friend. You are _more_ than my friend. I understand the reasons you wanted to keep me safe. I understand why you wanted to protect your secret...but I knew. I knew, and I was never angry at you.”

Kara’s arms wrapped around Lena almost of their own accord. “Thank you…” She shook her head. “I never wanted to hurt you, Lena. I’m sorry.” Her chest ached, and she took one last leap of faith. “I love you.”

She could feel Lena’s heartbeat quicken and almost stutter in her chest, the soft little gasp as her breath hitched. “Kara…” She leaned back enough to look in her eyes, searching, _hoping_. “You...you love me?”

There was only one real way to answer that.

She gently, tenderly cradled the back of Lena’s head in one hand, drawing her close. Their eyes closed, and there was a little sigh of anticipation just before their lips met that made the kiss even sweeter.

They held each other, trading kisses back and forth, and Kara didn’t know how much time had passed until a firm knock on Lena’s office door startled them both.

Lena had scooted back and her head came up to stare at the door, quickly trying to collect herself (if you ignored the fact that she was now straddling Kara’s legs). “I...oh. Right. Lunch.” Lena looked down at her as if suddenly realizing that time must have passed. “We ordered lunch.”

Kara giggled up at her, delighting in the smile tugging at Lena’s lips. “I like lunch.”

Lena carefully disentangled herself, then made her way to the door. “I have to admit that once I figured things out, your appetite made a lot of sense.”

When she opened the door, Jess had two boxes of pizza, a container of salad, and a bag that Kara knew would be full of potstickers balanced in her arms, bringing them into the office and carefully setting things down on the table, noting Kara’s discarded glasses and her now fairly disheveled hair with a nearly perfect lack of expression.

“Will that be all, Ms. Luthor?”

Lena smiled. “Yes, thank you Jess, that will be all for now.”

The secretary gave her a nod and made her way back out, her exasperated hiss of “ _Finally!”_ just audible before the door clicked shut.

Kara looked over to Lena, who had just as obviously caught her secretary’s parting shot, and they both began to laugh.

The weight that had been driving her down into the earth began to disappear, and though she knew there would be more challenges ahead, Kara finally felt as if she could fly again.

**Author's Note:**

> The meanings of the flowers:
> 
> Azaleas - Take care of yourself for me  
> Chrysanthemums - You're a wonderful friend  
> White Violets - Let's take a chance on happiness  
> Bouquet of Yellow Roses - Gratitude, joy, and friendship  
> A Blooming Red Rose - I still love you.


End file.
